Heartache changes you. It challenges you to find yourself after you experience a heartache that seems like living again is far beyond our reach. It teaches you how fragile life really is. It changes your perspective. After losing Payton, I struggled with everything that comes along with heartache. Each of us struggle differently but the pain is all the same. A pain unimaginable. A pain that shakes you to the core. Losing our baby was something I never imagines I would experience. Rushing to the hospital in labor when our baby was due was full of excitement. When … [Read more...]
Life after Loss
This week my heart is has been heavy yet joyful. I have been sad yet so happy full of laughter in my soul. I have shed tears yet smiled so big. I have remembered and I have grieved. I am still mourning and I am still healing. As my children are getting ready to go back to school and start another year in their little childhood in this journey of life, I am always reminded of the possibility I once had to go through the all the little stages of life with our first child. She would have been eight years old and starting 3rd grade. It's hard to believe yet sometimes it's … [Read more...]
Dear Payton
Payton, today we would have celebrated your 8th birthday. I know you would be running around with all of us acting crazy and dancing in the living room. Your beautiful auburn hair all over the place like your sister's and mine. We would have had a party celebrating you! But no party here I could give you could compare to the party God is giving you.You are with the creator of the Heavens and the Earth doing his mighty work. I have been told that you are my angel who watches down on me. Maybe so, but I can't find scripture that backs that up, so I believe that you have … [Read more...]
Bittersweet Seasons
Another season of life has passed and although this season was a long time ago, I never really accepted it until recently. It has finally become so real that we won't ever be welcoming new baby of our own that I have carried to home. I knew this when we scheduled my c-section for our little Miss C almost six years ago. But the reality and the emotions are two entirely separate things. I think the emotional side of it was much harder to deal with especially when you are a young woman and you get baby fever. My first child/daughter was stillborn during delivery full … [Read more...]
under the surface
This past week we have had trials, set backs, words said that shouldn't have been, smiles and giggles, love so deep, joy and pain, and others stuff right there under the surface. I have spent a lot of my week searching and digging into God's words for a bible study I am doing. I have missed that intimate time to reflect and see where God is taking me. We celebrated my son's seventh birthday this weekend and I am in awe that he is seven years old. When he was first-born I struggled deeply with fear and anxiety that I would lose him just like we lost our first child. … [Read more...]