We are officially on Thanksgiving break and I am so thankful to be home during this crazy Texas Winter weather. Besides snuggling with my babies, drinking hot chocolate, Barbie invasion of the living room, along with a tough moment this morning, I have done nothing. I didn’t event cook. That’s right.
I have so much I want to share but I just can’t seem to get the words out. My heart is heavy with grief and joys that always surface a little more during the Holiday season. I have been beating myself up over a personal thing I am feeling guilty about. I always do this to myself during the Holidays. You see I feel guilty I don’t visit my daughters graveside as much as I used to. No specific reason. Every day life with the kids is busy. I have her in my heart. I have her picture. I have memories. I have some of the precious things I will never let go of. Yet I still do this to myself.
Grief is tough. Losing a child is unimaginable. When I found myself in the beginning of this journey I never imagined I would have joy again. We learn to live life through the tragedy and face each day with a new hope that makes us stronger. There are tears and there is joy along with moments of guilt and sadness. Nothing I can change or explain. It’s a part of who are.
During the Holiday season I am reminded so much of what we have, who we love, how we treat others, and who we have lost. We all want our love ones with us celebrating during this joyous and thankful season. If you are missing someone you love greatly this week, please know you are not alone. I miss my daughter Payton every day too. I miss my amazing father in law, grand parents and more. I am thankful for each of them who deeply changed my life.
As I feel guilty about not being to visit her graveside, I know it’s not even really about that. It’s about missing those we love. It’s about the grief that was once unbearable a little less hard but it’s something we can never fully escape.
Tonight I am praying for you as I pray for myself, to be reminded of our loved ones, not only for what we miss but for what an amazing impact they made on our lives. I will rejoice in Heaven one day with them but until then, I love you.
Some of the beautiful joy God has given me in knowing this with my daughter.