Have you ever been in a moment of your life where you had no hope? Life had completely changed in an instant and you were left helpless, heartbroken, and didn’t think any good could come out of the situation.
Seven years ago today I was in that exact moment, my husband and I were left overwhelmed with heavy hearts and completely lost. We were pregnant with our first sweet baby and overall had a healthy pregnancy. The time had come, I was 39 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy and late that night my water broke. Of course my husband was at work and we worked it out and made to our hospital just as planned.
However, our moment had changed in an instant and our lives were forever changed. I was in labor and ready to deliver my baby but when we arrived at the hospital they could not find her heartbeat. There was a lot going on and quickly I was moved to a room filled with nurses and doctors. Unfortunately it was too late and there was nothing they could do except say to me, “I’m so sorry.” It was shift change so the doctor who had to break the news to me left and the new doctor came in to deliver two hours later.
There was no hope of her being born a healthy baby. I was left to endure my labor pains just as any mom delivering her baby. Only my outcome would not be full of joyous tears but grief-stricken and unbelievable pain. When my sweet little was girl was finally born early that morning the doctor asked if I wanted to hold her. I couldn’t believe how precious and perfect she was. I was finally meeting the baby who cuddled inside me and I got to see on the sonogram pictures for months. She was a perfect gift from God. A perfect gift I wasn’t able to keep I had to immediately give back to the Lord.
Although my husband and I were faithful to the Lord we did question him. Why us? Why could we not take our baby girl we had planned for home to her precious nursery that was decorated? Why could I not have experience all of firsts with this child? Why do I have to leave this hospital empty-handed and plan her funeral?
At the time in the darkest moments I have ever faced God always reminded me of one scripture. “Be Still and Know that I am God” Psalm 46:10
Through the years of this journey to her 7th birthday, God has been with me. He has walked with through every hard night, the very first glimpse of hope I felt, every guilty moment, every time I cried out why and begging to have her back. Every moment he was held me through it all and has been faithful. He has placed people in my life who have experienced loss and we walked together through the journey of grief. He has shown me a love that I have never experienced through this grief. He has blessed me with two precious babies after her to love and cherish the moments with alongside the memory of their sister. He has changed my outlook on life and lit a fire inside me to love others and have heartbreaking mercy for others. He has filled me with hope and joy.
Payton, today we would have celebrated your 7th birthday today. I know you would be running around with all of us acting crazy and dancing in the living room. Your beautiful auburn hair all over the place like your sister’s and mine. We would have had a party celebrating you! But no party here I could give you could compare to the party God is giving you.You are with the creator of the Heavens and the Earth doing his mighty work. I have been told that you are my angel who watches down on me. Maybe so but I can’t find scripture that backs that up so I believe that you have more important things to take care of waiting in Heaven for us. I love you.
The love in my heart for you Payton moves my soul. For all three of my children. Today is her day just as they have their day. Happy 7th Birthday! You will be celebrated with a balloon release as we always do and a little prayer. There is always sunshine on your day and I am so thankful for that. Payton, you have changed my life and I am so thankful to be your mom. You had a purpose on this Earth just as we all do but even a more important one in Heaven that God needed you sooner. With grief comes lots of mixed emotions but you are a ray of sunshine in my hope and joy that I cherish through it all to come.
He will heal what has been wounded and restore my broken soul. He will bring me peace not because I have handled this on my own and figured it all out, but because of Christ.