If you were to ask me if I understood the things that have been going on in my life lately. My answer would be no. The only answer I could give is these are his plans not mine. I share my faith, my love for Jesus, and you know I am a christian. I don’t understand God’s ways especially when life seems to be utter chaos and I don’t think I could make it through the day. I have my mommy meltdowns after weeks of sleep deprived nights for whatever reasons. Kids sick, bruises on the knees that the sheets bother, headaches, toothaches, the I can’t sleep, why do we have to sleep. The list goes on. Any human will eventually have a meltdown with lack of sleep I call mine Mommy Meltdowns however because I add the extras in that comes along with being a mom. You know what I’m talking about.

I haven’t been as disciplined and faithful in my walk with Jesus lately.  I mean he knows I love him, right? He knows I believe in him, right? He knows my crazy schedule, right? But at the end of the day is that really worth it? It’s like I give Jesus my leftovers. But he is a very patient God. He knows my busy schedule, my family, my volunteer commitments, church, bible study, everything I pour myself into. Especially him.

I am reminded  of the story of Mary in the bible. Jesus calls her name and she seeks him. He called to her and she called back to him. She didn’t understand why but she knew she needed to find Jesus.

That’s where I am at. I don’t always understand why he calls me to certain people, certain places, certain situations. But I desperately need to find him through it all. I need him with my life is beautiful and when my life is beautifully broken. I need to find Jesus in it all. Each. and. every. moment.

God sees me even when I don’t think he is present. God sees you. Sometimes I find my self asking God where are you? The truth is he is always there. He is never hidden. The real question is Did I seek him? Did I call on his holy name?

She sought after Jesus even when she didn’t understand why. Oh how I want to leave that legacy for my children.