I remember the day so vividly. No one, no heartache, no dream could ever take away the memories etched in my heart. Some days it is tucked in the very corners but some days it overflows to the very depth of my soul that pours into others.
The hardest day of my life.
I remember every detail from when my water broke, arriving at the hospital, the nurses, the and the overwhelming excitement of were having a baby, our first baby.
Every aching detail. Every precious moment. My life then changed forever.I remember the looks on my nurses faces, the page for a doctor and more nurses. My husband. My poor sweet husband who knew what was going on.
Not me. No mother wants to see those faces. I felt my baby inside me. I could see my large stomach that carried this little bundle for nine months. I was going to be a mother.
I just knew when I was rushed upstairs and had six nurses checking every vital they could, I was going to deliver my baby soon.
The hardest day of my life. It took this doctor to come in my room and sit down next to my bed to look at the monitor and place that cold gel over my pregnant belly. Then to look at me with the saddest face and say, “I am so sorry.”
I remember thinking what do you mean sorry. Why are you just sitting there. Do an emergency c-section. You should be saying congratulations. But he didn’t. I am sorry is what I got. The very words out of my mouth were this isn’t fair. This isn’t fair.
I remember pleading to God right then to perform a miracle. I was so sorry for everything in my past. I had already been saved but I guess at the time that is all I could think of. I had prayed for a healthy baby the entire pregnancy and now I was begging God to perform a miracle to bring her back to me.
Three hours later my sweet baby girl, Payton, was born. No cry was heard and no congratulations was said.The only words I heard was do you want to hold your baby?
Of course I do. I am a mother now.
Everything was like I had heard or seen from friends or in the movies. All the pushing and pain was forgotten. I loved her so much. I was hers and she was mine. Mother and Daughter. God blessed me with a child.
I held her so tight. Oh her hair. Absolutely beautiful. Touched all ten fingers and toes. She wore her going home outfit. The nurse took her pictures for me. She went home to Jesus instead of home with me to nursery I so carefully planned.
The hardest day of my life. I had to say goodbye. I would never be able to see my child again I thought. The only calmness I had in this raging storm was the hope of Heaven awaits us to be reunited.
The days were harder. A funeral to plan. I had to choose the perfect casket, the perfect flowers, the perfect headstone, the perfect day to bury my child. I was only able to choose once. It had to be perfect.
And it was.
Although it was the hardest days of my life, Jesus, walked with me hand in hand. God is so good. He wrapped my heartache in his love. I woke up each day broken and sad but God also took the step for me first so I could follow. He led the path of hope for me.The hope of gratefulness. The hope of living. I survived.
He never gave up on me and left me to hide in my grief. He created me to be a mother. A mother who lost her baby when she was supposed to be experiencing a miracle of life. He had a plan. Plans to prosper me not harm me.
It was this deepest time of my life where I met Jesus more intimately and personally. God allowed my grief for his good purpose.
A blessing awaits even after the storm. Oh how my heart has blossomed.He will bring peace, calmness, and mercy. During my grief God was able to teach me more about him. It was when I needed him the most and he showed himself more than ever.
It was the hardest days of my life. Six years, six months, and thirteen days ago my sweet child was born. Four days later I buried my child.
My heart is heavy for any moms who are going through a loss or remembering their loss today.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I will be mentioning that as the day gets closer too. Pray for these moms. Pray for yourself. Pray for your husbands too. You are not alone.
I miss my child every day but I will see her in Heaven for eternity. I am grateful and thankful for each day during my loss and the days to come.
You are not alone. You will get through this and there is Hope. Don’t give up.
I carry you in my heart.