This past week we have had trials, set backs, words said that shouldn’t have been, smiles and giggles, love so deep, joy and pain, and others stuff right there under the surface. I have spent a lot of my week searching and digging into God’s words for a bible study I am doing. I have missed that intimate time to reflect and see where God is taking me.
We celebrated my son’s seventh birthday this weekend and I am in awe that he is seven years old. When he was first-born I struggled deeply with fear and anxiety that I would lose him just like we lost our first child. The struggle always stayed right under the surface leaving me with a deep struggle that only God could help me with.
Seven years later that fear and anxiety are no longer right under the surface. Not because I no longer worry that something could happen to my children but because the fact is one day we will all be gone and I have to live now before it’s too late. Through out my journey of motherhood and loss I have come to realize that God loves my children more than I could ever imagine. I wasn’t promised anything when he blessed me with these precious souls.
Under the surface there are always moments and thoughts that wander through my mind. Questions that I will not know the answers to and I just have to be ok with. Time with my children that I can’t afford to lose because I am not promised tomorrow with them. I know those feelings all to well. It breaks my heart sometimes, it paralyzes me sometimes in my parenting, but it also reminds me how precious life really is.
Tonight while praying at bedtime and sharing with my children hopefully enough to penetrate their hearts. My son was telling me how our hearts are not the shape of a heart it’s really a circle with lots of lines and stuff on it. I just had this visual of how our heart is. Woven together connecting life to our bodies. Wow God is amazing to me creating how we are made.
We prayed for friends and we prayed for strangers. We prayed for ourselves and to have a good night rest for school tomorrow and we prayed for forgiveness and to be kinder to each other. My son then prays to God that he wished he could have his big sister here with us from Heaven so he could hug her every day. You guys my heart sunk and yet was so joyful at the same time. I was so proud of how gentle he was and loving to think of that yet I feelings surfaced of hurt and aching to hold her. A sister he and his sister have never met before. He continued on to ask questions some I could not answer and others so sweet that I just smiled. My sweet daughter was listening and began to ask and share as well. Oh
Lord how you have blessed me in the midst of a deep loss. Forever I am grateful.
It was there again under the surface emotions came back but also with lots of joy of how God is so perfect even in this fallen world. I love how God uses my children to reach under the surface of my soul to face the fears, the joys, the moments and live each day with love and grace so when I stumble I can keep going.