One of my biggest struggles in life is Control. Not knowing the unknown. Fear. Trust. It all goes together. It’s not a matter of controlling a person or situation. It really consists of not knowing an outcome and wanting to protect the one’s I love.
A part of it goes back to my childhood. Waking each day and not really knowing what the day will bring good or bad. Boundaries of security completely broken and a sense of security strapped. This carried with me into my adult years.
I would let control, well, control my life. It would hold me back from opportunities because I feared what would could happen. I let it break relationships and avoided new ones too. It was always there.
Then there was a time in my life, almost seven years ago, that I really thought I had it all under control. My husband and I were expecting our first sweet baby girl into our world. I controlled what I ate, what I drank, where I went, and everything else that comes along with being a protective pregnant momma. We planned the baby room, the home we would fill, the life we would have, the birthing plan, the baby shower, and all the hopes, dreams, and plans that came with this child.
If you have read my blog before you know I experienced a deep loss. A loss I wish no one would have to go through. A loss that shattered my heart and changed my life forever. A loss that only God could walk with me and heal through it all. Up until the very moment of delivering my baby like the “plans” I had being pregnant, I controlled until that very instant it all changed.
My world was rocked. I was left with an empty heart and empty arms. My daughter, who we planned to walk hand in hand with, ride bikes together, sing sweet songs together, Payton, had died and two days later I was planning a funeral. At the time it didn’t make sense and I would like to say it all does now. But it really doesn’t and that is not for me to try to control any longer. I wish I could say that I learned to let the control go but I really didn’t. It wasn’t until two high risk pregnancies later that I let go of my control and had to trust God that he would bless me with these two babies. And he did. He is a faithful God.
God had different plans for me. Plans for me to experience such a painful loss so I could share my story with other mama’s that may be hurting. Plans for me to have my two sweet children here with me to teach me what life is really about and one sweet baby in Heaven, privileged to be with our King. People have said I have an angel looking down on me and although that is comforting I can’t find it in scripture anywhere that is the case. I feel God has bigger plans for her in Heaven and one day I will meet her again.
God had plans for me to share about her on my blog, with strangers, at church, everywhere I go. Not just to share my loss of her but my hope in the Lord and the healing he has provided. My hope in the Lord is not an escape from the reality of my loss. It is life changing and has lit a fire so deep inside me I want to share. It changes us and it blesses us. It moved me in a way I sometimes can’t even describe. Hope in the Lord gives us strength, courage, peace, and joy. It protects us and ignites a spark to work boldly for Christ and confidence in our ministries. It changes my way of thinking to be more heavenly-minded rather than worldly-minded.
Hope allows me to rest in God’s grace and live a spirit filled life even through the darkest storms and the sun will shine like it has never shined before. Hope allows God to use me for his plans not mine.
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Be strong, and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD.