Another season of life has passed and although this season was a long time ago, I never really accepted it until recently. It has finally become so real that we won’t ever be welcoming new baby of our own that I have carried to home. I knew this when we scheduled my c-section for our little Miss C almost six years ago. But the reality and the emotions are two entirely separate things. I think the emotional side of it was much harder to deal with especially when you are a young woman and you get baby fever. My first child/daughter was stillborn during delivery full term, then two high risk pregnancies, and not to mention my blood clotting disorder, we knew the reality was there when we brought our sweet baby girl home. She was our last baby. To think she will be six this summer is insane and bittersweet.
Through all of this I have learned more of who I am and a little more insight to the life God has called me as a mother and a wife. I have learned who I am through my grief and who I am after the journey each step of the way. From the beginning of grief stages to where I am now some may think I am healed, but that isn’t true. I still miss her every day, I still have questions, but mostly I am at peace. I have been through seasons of healing and I have been in a season of digging deeper with Christ centered in my relationships, as a wife, and mother to my two beautiful children that I have been blessed with on this earth. I honestly feel free.
I know not everyone is where I am at in my grief and I mean no disrespect. This is my personal journey and I want to be honest with myself. The hardest thing I ever did was say goodbye to my daughter on March 16th then bury my child on March 20th, 2006. The biggest lesson I have ever learned in life and has made me who I am goes back to that day. We received many cards and flowers during that time and I have every card that anyone has ever given me during our loss safely tucked away. Those cards were a huge part of my healing for years and they are stained with tears. One particular potted flower we received were calla lilies. Absolutely beautiful. These were also the flowers I chose to have at her funeral. Every year this flower has bloomed until two years ago and I was devastated. A few months later this finally appeared.
My sweet calla lily hasn’t bloomed since. It is bittersweet but I know it’s a season that has too passed. It has always given me comfort and hope that I needed over the years and although it was a beautiful sight to see, I am at peace with it. When I put my hurt and grief in God’s hands he placed hope and peace in my heart.
Angie, that is so beautifully said. Your heartbreak touches my emotions and I empathize; yet I see how God has worked in your life to enable you to reach out to others and share how God brings you through heartache. Surely God will use you to help others in similar circumstances. I am sure you can see that your dependence on God through all of this has brought you closer to Him, and what a comfort that is. Being close to God, no matter the circumstances, is truly the ultimate. Some things we will never understand until we meet Him face to face. And that is the true test of our faith…do we doubt Him because we don’t understand? No! And I see that in you, Angie. You have kept the faith. Press on and see how God uses your story for His glory! (hey, that rhymes:)
Anita Curtis