Everyone’s journey of loss is different yet the same. If you have lost someone close to you I am deeply sorry and my heart breaks for you. When we lost our first child during labor it was devastating. It literally felt like someone had stolen my soul and abandoned me with the pain physically and emotionally. I was lost and broken and didn’t even know where to begin.
I struggled with finding who I was. What my marriage was going to be like. How my world would be. I no longer wanted to be a part of it and I wanted to curl up in the bed with blankets over my head and never face the emptiness that was there. When I hear of someone who lost their baby I am heartbroken. I know all too well the feelings, the pain, the hopelessness that they are feeling. Although our losses and the way we grieve are different the overwhelming feelings of sadness, the tears, the raw emotions of the tragedy that they are struck with always come with the territory.
I know the pain and the cries that come from deep within. I know the anger, the denial, the isolation as well. If you have lost a baby, Oh how I pray that you are surrounded with love and kindness during this time and if you are past those early days I am rejoicing with you for your courage.
I also know the feelings of a deep love for my child with in my soul I can’t give up, fewer tears, putting your two feet on the ground, opening the curtains and that tiny glimpse of sunshine forcing it’s way through the glass directly on your cheek where your tears have stained. I know the feeling of desperation for something normal to surround you again.
I know the feeling of hope.
Hope that the Lord has shown me through the sunshine each day, the rain that falls from the clouds, the mountains that soar the sky, the ocean waves that crash into the shore but leave calmly. Hope that the Lord has shown me through friendships, bible study, my husband, my family, his grace, and so much more.
I rest in hope in the faith that I have. I rest in hope in what I believe in this world. I rest in hope at the feet of Jesus where my child and other babies have gone before us escaping the sin of this world in his mighty kingdom. I rest in hope with the love and comfort I have received so I can give that same love and comfort.
Life is a gift. It is a miracle. It is precious. It is fragile. After losing Payton we were blessed beyond measure (although it wasn’t an easy journey) to have our sweet Connor and Campbell. I do not take it for granted. They are my life. They bring me so much joy. I am so thankful for the gift to be their mother.
But I still lost Payton. She changed me forever and I will always miss her. Even after all this time, the tears come and go, and a piece o my soul is gone but I choose joy in the journey and what is to come. Time hasn’t healed my heartache. Jesus redeemed my heartache.
That is why I have hope.
We live in a fallen world and with that comes the heartache, the sadness, the loss, the tragedies. But what also comes with that is God’s purpose and glory at the other end. I sometimes wonder if my heartaches have allowed me to truly know the joy that I have through it all. Without the heartache that I have experienced would I truly have the hope in Jesus and the joy that I do?
We must have hope to come out of the other side of our heartache and loss. This is my hope through my loss. It may not look like yours. Our journeys may take different paths but we are in this life together and I pray that that our hope in this world will carry on for ourselves and for others. I will always live a life of loss but my heart is open wide with the good that happens in our world.We see so many people who have experience tragedies and are able to carry on. We see amazing random acts of kindness and people extending a hand to the homeless. How can you not have hope in this world when we are surrounded by perfect and beautiful people that God created in his image. It’s not a perfect world, that is yet to come, but it is a world of love, grace, and hope even after loss.