Lately I have been thinking a lot about what my blog is. What it represents and if it’s true to myself, my faith, my God. While I love to have fun and play and smile there are deeper struggles. Ways that I am ashamed of, words I wish I could take back, feelings I wish I could mend. Although I love to share all the fun times my family has, the times I feel so motivated, and the days that seem magical, I also want to share all the times that are really hard. I use this space to capture my memories, my thoughts, my growth, my walk with Jesus.
I am a very passionate person about relationships, choices, family, and anything I put my heart into. I am a hopeless romantic and have high expectations in my husband that are not realistic. I love being married and being with this amazing man who has been through a lot with me. The marriage that I desire sometimes isn’t my reality but it’s because I get wrapped up sometimes in what I want and not what I have. He loves me tremendously and I completely miss it sometimes because I get too focused on myself. Every marriage takes its fair share of work and arguments. So I am so thankful for grace and a new day to pause and reflect and grow as a loving wife.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately how I have been so focused on my children not fighting with each other just getting along. I have become a mom that is constantly saying stop and no and losing focus on the good that they are so capable of and show every day. I want them to remember me as a loving mother not a nagging one. I want to stop saying no and just show them more love and change what is happening so it changes them. I am just missing it. I am so thankful for grace and a new day to pause and reflect and grow as a mother.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I forget sometimes how much God truly loves me. I know the reality in his love but I have I dug deeper to a more intimate level and accepted how he really feels about me. Not what I think he feels or how I am feeling because of my current situations.
My house isn’t always the cleanest and most days I struggle to get all the dishes done, the laundry put away, and the toys picked up. And this is in my car too.
I struggle with being intentional with my friends and taking the time to call and say hi. I struggle with putting my phone down and staying off the social media.
When I feel like a lousy wife or mother God so graciously reminds me of my worth. He made me in his image. He reminds me:
You are worthy
You are loved
You are passionate
You are kind
You are not perfect
You are worth more than you know
You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God for a beautiful purpose.
I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and thankful that God made me for his beautiful purpose. Although I share just a glimpse of my struggles each day I pray that if you struggle like I do with being a wife, a mom, a friend, a girl in this world, that you know you are loved.
I wake each morning reminded of my chosen word for the year LIVE. I want to live with a life of passion, intention, and grace, humility and most of all love.
So as I am sharing some of these things on my heart today I am awakened with more radiant love to give to my children, my husband, and myself all because God made me. When I first read Psalm 139:14 and God revealed his love to me I was overwhelmed with emotions. One day I hope I am brave enough to share my story of feeling unloved and unworthy but today I leave you with his word.
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.