This week my heart is has been heavy yet joyful. I have been sad yet so happy full of laughter in my soul. I have shed tears yet smiled so big. I have remembered and I have grieved. I am still mourning and I am still healing. As my children are getting ready to go back to school and start another year in their little childhood in this journey of life, I am always reminded of the possibility I once had to go through the all the little stages of life with our first child. She would have been eight years old and starting 3rd grade. It’s hard to believe yet sometimes it’s so fresh.
Losing Payton shattered my heart and my soul and the only thing I could cling to was Jesus. Those first few months I felt I like I was just a glimpse in this world losing sight on the goodness still around me. I wanted to hide and bury myself in my grief so afraid to heal and be joyful for anything in this life. Honestly, a smile or a sweet laugh felt like I was forgetting her. Through my journey of grief I was able to smile and laugh again with out feeling guilty.
I have a necklace that say “the heart remembers” , along with “PCC” engraved for all three of my children on another tag. The”P” is a reminder of my sweet little one who was so brief in this world. My child who I wouldn’t get to walk to their class for the first day, share mommy and me dates, read stories with or hear the belly laughs. She had such a small life yet so much meaning. I never imagined I would be going to the hospital in labor ready to see her to her being stillborn and to only go home with out her.
This heartache of mine though, it changed my perspective on life. It changed my life forever.
I always heard time will heal everything. I don’t know if time will ever truly heal my loss and take that sadness away. Life after loss for me is more like this. The days of crying and mourning are farther in between. I am not healed. I am joyful. Life is a beautiful gift. God has blessed me with the sweet children that I am able to be with. It doesn’t replace her but I am living for them as well. They give me hope. I still long for my sweet daughter and wonder what she would look like. But I long more to be in the arms of Jesus with her in Heaven. My children always ask about her. Why did she die? How old is she? They see her pictures in our home. I smile when I stop and get a glimpse of those pictures. I still get down the little purple box that our nurse made for us at the hospital filled with pictures, baby bracelets, sweet cards, and that lock of her. I still get her clothes and baby blanket down she was wrapped in when I held her and breathe in the little scents left. Just to smell her one more time. Those are the little things I long for in Heaven.
I’ve come so far and grown so deeply. I have grown in my pain and my heartache. I have grown in my love for others and especially mamas who have lost a baby. I have grown in joy and laughter. I have grown in my faith and my trust in God’s goodness and purpose for her life and mine. I have been able to heal so much with my sweet kids.
Her short life had a long filled purpose. Though my soul was broken, her purpose was far greater than my sorrow. As each days goes by all the broken pieces are being carefully mended together. Expanding my heart for a sense of humility I was not aware of before. A loss that I had not noticed so carefully before. I have gained a heart and sensitivity for other mamas.
Life after loss is raw and fresh yet hopeful and a sweet breath of fresh air. I cling to the memories and the thought of spending eternity with all three of my children. I have a beautiful life and I am a momma to three beautiful babies. When I look into the eyes of my precious babies I am moved. Life is a gift and I don’t want to take it for granted. Although it broke my heart to lose one of my babies, I rejoice that she is in Heaven. God chose her for me and me for her. I am her forever mama and she is forever mine.