On this 4th of July watching the Fireworks on TV while my two sweet precious children were quietly asleep and my husband at work the fireworks struck me.
The fireworks are unpredictable to the spectators. You don’t know how high they will be. What color they sparkle. Reminds me of grief. You don’t know how deep it will be or when it will appear. My grief did that this very night.
Uexpectedly, the feelings of grief struck my heart so deep. Six years later the grief and loss of my first baby snuck in my living room and I was reminded of that very moment I could never bring back. She would never be in our family pictures or enjoy the fireworks with our family here.
Shortly, after delivering Payton, my sweet nurse, Julie, took my baby and loved her as if she was alive. She was full term and I lost her during delivery. This was the last thing I ever dreamed of happening after my water broke earlier that morning. Julie bathed her and dressed her in our going home outfit for me.
It was very bittersweet holding her in this precious little pink onesie and just imagining her coming home with me but in reality she was going to her permanent home with God. That was the only comfort to bring me through that day.
That was more than I could ask for from this stranger I just met a few hours earlier. I had several nurses that morning but she was the only one who stepped out of her work mode to show me compassion. This nurse woke up for her shift at work to deliver healthy babies but reality is sometimes they have to watch families hurt. My heart ached for her. My heart ached for the doctor who came at shift change and had to deliver my stillborn baby.
Julie held Payton in her arms like she was this fragile newborn that you didn’t want to hurt. She wrapped her so sweetly in a blanket and covered her precious head full of hair with a baby hat and placed her oh so gently in my motherly arms.
Julie then walked in with this little lavender box. A soft padded box that was filled with these precious handmade items and keepsakes. A baby hat, baby booties, pillow heart, a rose, pictures of my baby, a lock of her hair, and a sympathy card from Nurse Julie.
Keepsakes that I will always cherish. Julie I will always cherish your selfless compassion. She did more than required of her job or that box. She showed me a love only Jesus could show through her. I have this box tucked me away. I occasionally look through them. Some with tears and some with out. But always with a deep significance more than I can describe.
That moment of losing my child forever changed me.
My heart has softened. A new sense of sensitivity entered my soul on this subject. My heart aches for all the mamas who have experienced a loss. I am more humble and aware of other’s who may be hurting by any loss.
I am surrounded by constant memories of my daughter. In my home. At the grocery store. God even has his ways of telling me she is perfect by showing me in my friends children. I am sensitive to the hearts of others.
I love her and I know she is safe. She will never be hurt or experience grief or heartache here on Earth. She is not here in her temporary home she is in her perfect Loving home in the arms of the King waiting for me.
Dear friend, if you have experienced a loss recently or in the past, know that you are loved and comforted by the King of Kings. You will one day hold your sweet baby again. Cherish the keepsakes. Cry some tears. Embrace God’s beautiful creations that we are surrounded by. Be comforted and have hope. Embrace the unexpected emotions that sneak in.
I embrace this moment tonight. Not to be sad and heartbroken. But to be reminded of the life God has given me here on Earth and in Heaven.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I may not understand some of these things in life but I know God has a plan. A perfect and mighty plan to glorify him.