Waves

I have had so much on my heart I wanted to share this week. Recipes, fun activities, school posts I have found with those cute printables, and so much more. My heart had other plans for me the last two weeks. I have been constantly thinking about the beach and the ocean waves that ripple across your toes leaving a sense of calmness. The next wave though, comes rolling in and although it looks just like the wave before, this one is much more powerful and deeper begging to take you in. I wish I could say I have been thinking about the beach so much because I was planning a vacation, but the truth is the beach is my place. It is my place that takes me back to me, forces some soul-searching, healing, and peace.  We all have our “places” be it the beach or the mountains, the lake or even a small table for two quietly tucked in the corner of a diner. A place to be free and let go.

I grew up near a beach and I remember those feelings that came rushing in every time I stepped on the sand. I could see the waves crashing in and smell the ocean all around me.  This was my happy place I like to call it, especially when I needed to escape the not so happy times in my life that were far too often. I always felt that some one was with me walking on the sand, watching the sun shine through the water, and whispering in my ear you are not alone. It was when I found Jesus years later that I realized he was with me all those times and viagra online the footprints in the sand poem I read meant even more to me.

There are a few moments in my life when I was at the beach and everything around me just came crashing in along with the waves but the clarity and peace that was covering me was life-giving. Now that I am older and I don’t live near the beach like I would love to, it means even more when I do get to go. I will never forget the time a very dear friend and I were able to share some real life moments together on the beach pouring our hearts out to each other. I’ll never forget going to the beach after my daughters funeral to honestly just get away and be alone with my husband to grieve.  I’ll never forget the memories we are making with our kids at the beach with our family vacations.

The past two weeks the beach has been on my mind maybe because I long to dip my toes in the sand or to hear the oceans wave ripple across the shore. But if I look deeper in my soul the reality is I am longing for the beach for clarity and peace. A way to connect with my father in my happy place to release some feelings that I am dealing with. You see our grief can come rolling in like the waves sometimes soft whispers of memories and sometimes the waves can crash in and drag you through the sand but if you look closely through the horizon you can see a glimpse of hope.

I miss my daughter very much. I have shared before how I can remember the day so clearly and all the details. I find hope in my grief and I have found joy through the tears. I have worked through lots of ups and downs with  rolling waves of emotions and after seven years there is still pieces of my grief that I could not plan for. Here is what breaks my heart while at the same time moves my soul with a deeper love.  My children know about their sister in Heaven who they have never met. For years they have talked to us and asked questions. They have said I miss you and I love you. They have even said I want to go to Heaven today to be with her. As they get older the questions get harder.  This is how our conversations have gone lately.

My daughter will say I miss Payton and I want us all to go to Heaven today so we can be a whole family. My son has been asking to see pictures of her and I tell him sweetie we have her picture on the shelf with all of ours when she was a baby. He then asks me but why do you not have a picture of her as a kid. I carefully explain that she went to Heaven as a baby. He responds did she die? I respond yes. He then asks was she sick? My heart swells with anticipation of the next question. The lump in my throat swells. During these multiple conversations these last few nights I am fighting back the tears. The tears of grief and heartache. The tears of joy. The tears of precious moments I can talk to them about Heaven.

Grief comes in waves.

I wipe away my tear that made its way through and my son asks Mommy are you ok? I respond yes baby and kiss his forehead and smell his comforting little boy smell that melts my heart while my sweet daughter leans over and gives me the sweetest kiss ever. This very moment of grief is why I long for the beach sometimes. You seem I am not ready for my children to see me cry harder than that tear yet. I am not ready to explain any more than I have that their little souls can handle.  It is the hardest thing to share two emotions so deep at one time. My heart is broken and aching for my child in Heaven but holding on to two precious and amazing children that have stolen my heart in more ways than one. Longing for a good cry but looking in their eyes and telling them how much I love them.  As I imagine standing with my toes in the sand and the waves begging to knock me down in the water I see the horizon just beyond the tide; hope. The Lord is my hope and he will be with me through the waves.

‘Grief comes in waves; rolling in and out of your life in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it dumps white water on your dreams, leaving you broken-hearted. Other times you surf the crest of change and find new hope. Be patient with yourself, paddle through the pain and look for the light in the wave’s tunnel. ♥♥Love and compassion from soulseeds‘